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Today I am calm. It may be because I have only had three hours of good sleep and I’m just exhausted. But it also may be because the man I love told me he loves me back.

I thought I would be nervous. I thought I would be a little freaked out at this big step. But instead I feel tranquil.

It just feels right.

It resonates somewhere deep within me and I feel like a placid body of water. I feel refreshed and awake and like it will be smooth sailing.

Which I know is not necessarily the case, I know there are storms sometimes. But this time, I picked a winner. I picked someone who will stand by me and let me stand by him. I feel like together we can make great things happen.

Knowing DF is in love with me makes me feel like I just arrived home; right where I’m supposed to be.

The Experiment

Today is the experiment. Now I know that someone might say that I’m nuts and I should just ask, (and I should,) but I want to see what happens.

I generally send DF like three emails and two texts throughout the day. And if he responds to one, I’m lucky. He says I can send as many as I want and he also says that he reads them as soon as he gets them. But I’m wondering if they bug him and if I don’t send anything, if he’ll notice.

Now, not to be condescending, but he is a man. So I am guessing that this little experiment might have to last longer than one day. Which stinks for me! And what will stink even more is if he doesn’t notice and if really would rather I not send him little thoughts during the day. I’m used to talking to the people in my life several times a day and since he is now an important part of my life….I like to be in contact.

(I do have to applaud myself because I am fairly sure that for the first time today, he was not my first thought. I THINK my first thought was COFFEE and then Pan de Yuca and then DF.)

So I figured that today, I would write all of my little inane comments here that I would normally send and we’ll see how it goes.

Today’s messages would have been:

1. I think you need a website. Maybe you and my cousin could partner on some things…he does sculpture and it would fit in well to your landscape design.

2. Of course you are going to drive on the road trip, that way my hands are free to torment you…. ;)


3. What are we making for dinner tomorrow? (This I get from my father who always asks this question the day before.)

It is now five o’clock and I am sitting on my hands. I’ve been good all day. As a matter of fact, I’ve been damn proud of myself. But now, I’m going a little nuts. No word from DF, (which is not unusual,) but I am doing everything in my power to restrain myself from sending some form of communication. Arrrggghhhh!

And at 5:30 he called. Not because he noticed that I was silent today, but because he needed someone to listen. So my experiment has failed. I didn’t find out anything! But I’m so happy he decided to call…

Paragon Restored.

I had decided to wait to talk to him until we were face to face. I decided that the small slip was important enough to wait until we could see each other again before I tackled the issue. I had it all played out in my head. How I was going to use a little humor to make my point and then emphasize that it turned out not to be such a big thing, but that in the future I wanted a different response.

And he beat me to the punch!

He brought the subject up of his own volition the following night. He took time out of the conversation to tell me that he was sorry and he knew he screwed up and that he would do better next time.

Who is this man I am dating?!?!?!?!

I know he can’t be perfect…no one is, but he is pretty damn close. If this is what you get for waiting so long, I’m going to tell everyone to wait. Wait until you get that flurry of butterflies in your stomach. Wait until you are nervous each and every time you see him. Wait until his kisses steal every thought in your brain and you wouldn’t dream of telling his hands to stop touching you. Wait until his texts and his phone calls make you smile just when you see his name on the screen. Just wait, because it is so worth the wait.

Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen

So up until now, DF has been a paragon among men. He has been sensitive and understanding and basically surpassed my hopes.

But tonight, he screwed up. Not big, because after all, I am nothing if not resilient. But still I am taking his “the man” card away.

You see, just yesterday he told me that he was “here for me.”

And yesterday evening we had a wonderful time. It was so wonderful that he declared himself “the man” and I, in my befuddled and confused state, let him take the title.

Well, today I am rescinding it.

I have the absolute worst time asking for help. I will do my best to do it all alone and not bother a soul. I may get moody and brood, but I generally don’t put my things on other people. At least, I try my very best not to.

But I thought I would try. You see twice now I have been asked to be there and be a friend and I have been. I have come, no questions asked, and listened and comforted. I did not ask for anything in return nor did I expect anything.

But today, I was having an off day. So I took a chance and wrote the following:

“Basically, if there are no kids tonight I need some comfort. I tell you to ask me, so now I'm asking you. I don't finish my day until after 9.

Please let me know if I can stop by.”

And he responded by asking if I was okay!!!!

Now you may not think that is not a big deal. But I don’t ask for help. I don’t ask for comfort but I took a chance and did it tonight. And instead of saying I could stop by no questions asked, he asked if I was okay. Now to further add insult to injury, originally he was going out. (Now please understand that this is a man who always does things for other people, so if he was going to go out and be with a friend, I wouldn’t stop him.) But he decided to stay home!

I really don’t care if men and women are different. I don’t care if I seemed needy. I asked for something, a very small something and got a question in response.

And my very childish reaction is to not do it again. I probably won’t for a very long time.

So, DF, I hereby strip you of your “the man” title and you are going to have to work very hard to get it back.

Clue Me In

Okay, so after a rough session in therapy, (yes, of course I go to therapy, doesn’t everyone?,) I then heard from DF late in the evening. His plans fell through for the night and instead of inviting me over (as has been our modis operandi as of late,) he made up some excuse. To be honest, I don’t remember what the excuse was, but I know I was a bit miffed. So I sent him a little email and said that my feelings were hurt. Now this may be the epitome of a needy girl, but you know what? I don’t care.

See, a very wise friend told me, (and you know who you are,) that I shouldn’t feel bad about asking for what I need in a relationship. To be totally honest, I was content staying at home tonight. We have spent a lot of time together and some time apart would be good, refreshing. But I was hurt that he didn’t want to spend time with me. So I told him.

And he responded, nicely and then indicated that he needed some time alone. And I responded just as nicely and said that I understood that he was going through a lot right now and that I respected that. I said that I wanted to be his friend as well as his romantic partner and I offered to help him in that spirit.

Now here comes the problem. My immediate reaction is to pull away. I am already in my “screw him” mood. Hell, I might just be rash enough to book a trip to Montreal tomorrow. I have already made up my mind in my head not to contact him and not to push. I intend to back off completely. I will let him be and get on with my life. In essence, I am done for the moment. I know that will change tomorrow or the next day, but for now; caput!

You may ask, how do I know it will change?

Every time I look at this man; this man who is so far from who I imagined I would be with, I am struck with the urge to tell him how much I love him. I substitute the word adore, but it just doesn’t do the trick. We have been dancing around the idea for a week now and I’ll wait until he’s ready. (I promise!)

Why didn’t anyone tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me that this is what it could be like? This infinite peace and comfort combined with sexual chemistry that is out of this world. If someone had just told me, I would have known what I was looking for and I would have stopped wasting time on all the other ones. Why didn’t anyone tell me that when it is right, you don’t worry about your belly or the fact that your legs aren’t perfectly toned? That the combustion factor wipes out any preconceived notions you had about the body you would be with and the body you wished you had? Why didn’t someone clue me in that the fabulous chemistry leads to lazy talks and sharing intimate feelings that suddenly aren’t so scary to share?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still scared. There is still a part of me that says, I blew it by letting him know that I was being needy. But there is another part of me that says; “Oh well.” If he can’t handle that, then he can’t handle me. And I am one hell of a person with plenty of love to give the right man.

Discombobulated

After my freak out last night, I woke up this morning totally off center. I felt like I was walking on egg shells. I didn’t know what to expect after a night of revelations and heart felt conversation. But he was wonderful.

He caught on quick that I was having a difficult time this morning. I still am having a hard time, but he handled my “freak out” with aplomb…and really, I didn’t freak out. I don’t freak out by anyone else’s standards since I tend to hold everything tight inside, which is why it hurts to breathe and my stomach and back hurt. I think I’m falling apart, because I am on the inside and God forbid anyone should see that on the outside. I can’t abide by anyone seeing that I’m having a rough time and then actually offer to help.

But he did.

He saw and while it was hard, it was okay. And he didn’t offer to help…he just helped. He said the right thing, he reassured me and he held me. I still feel off center, but I know that it will dissipate as the day goes on; at least I hope it will.

Uncentered

Okay, so it’s two in the morning and I am panicking. I didn’t really say that I loved him, but he knows. AND I KNOW THE RULE! I know I blew it. Women everywhere are throwing up their arms in frustration at this exact moment.

I’m sitting here close to tears envisioning all sorts of things, which logically I know are not the case. Logically I know that the world did not really tilt on its axis and throw off the center of gravity so that only I am going to go falling off.

Emotionally, I totally blew it and now I might as well go and bury my head in the sand because tomorrow morning he is going to walk out of here without a backwards glance. Mind you I didn’t really say it….I alluded to it and he’s not stupid….he knows what I meant! I feel like that character with the bad Russian accent who is hitting his head saying, “You idiot! You idiot!” Seriously!

I get all caught up and then I just don’t know when to leave well enough alone and I have to keep going and ruin it all! We had this very nice evening, we sat on the couch, we talked, we made dinner together, we sat on the couch some more. And then we were lying in the dark and talking and in an effort to put him at ease (I know, I know, don’t tell me!) I hinted at the big L word. Why don’t I have a big cosmic eraser and I can just eradicate that one little moment from time? Did I mention that I’m panicking?

Charting the course

My first experience with sex was not a good one. I spoke with a therapist about it later and she equated it to rape. Children have a coping mechanism that has been documented over and over, that I automatically exhibited during this first experience. They somehow leave their bodies and sort of “float” next to the ceiling and watch the whole thing. They detach themselves, so to speak. And I don’t blame the boy…how was he to know, if I didn’t know, that I wasn’t ready. But I wasn’t ready…and I think that has colored my relationships, views about men and how I interact with them ever since.

Alcoholics say that they are alcoholics even when they are not drinking, so does that make me a recovering victim of abuse for the rest of my life? After this first sexual experience, I consistently chose men who abused me. They were drunks, they hit me, cheated on me, called me horrible things and basically whittled away my self-esteem. I have been through things that I would not wish on my worst enemy….and yet, I am somehow grateful. I am grateful that I am still alive. I am grateful to have learned how strong I truly am and that no matter what, I can make it through. So, while I am sure that I might have caught some insight into that portion of my character, I would not have learned the lesson as profoundly as I did.

So now, I find myself, navigating the dating waters without a charted course. You might think that I’m an idiot because we are all in the same boat when it comes to dating…but I disagree. When you are abused, you don’t know right from wrong when it comes to how people treat you. It is hard to understand when it is okay to take time for you, when you need to stand up for yourself and that doing things for yourself is actually loving and kind. I’m trying my best to take it slow, to take deep breathes and remind myself that I do matter.

Thought

The very thought of you and I forget to do
The little ordinary things that everyone ought to do
I'm living in a kind of daydream
I'm happy as a king
And foolish though it may seem
To me that's everything

The mere idea of you, the longing here for you
You'll never know how slow the moments go till I'm near to you
I see your face in every flower
Your eyes in stars above
It's just the thought of you
The very thought of you, my love

These are the lyrics that have been running through my head since Sunday. Did I mention I have it bad for this man? I mean we are talking the whole nine yards….the gazing off into nothing, the sighs, the butterflies in my stomach when I remember the time we spent together this weekend. I don’t want to assume anything, I don’t want to jump to conclusions. And in a protective measure for myself, I am still hedging my bets. I am waiting. And with the waiting I am getting nervous and my concentration is shot. But just when I think I can’t wait anymore, he sends a text. And then when I think that this is it, he sends an email that makes me smile (shoot, who am I kidding, it made me get all teary,) and then when he calls….everything is right.

We talk and it is almost as if I am in his arms again. I love touching his face and with his voice in my ear I can almost feel his skin under my palm. This man is so right and yet nothing that I imagined.

Honestly, I’m not sure I could have imagined this. And whatever this is, I’m going to do my best to enjoy it for however long I can.

To be or not to be

Today is good and it stinks all the same. I may be putting the cart before the horse, but I have a feeling that I’m not.

I HAD to see this movie today. I walked to the theater and arrived late…still wondering why the hell I had to see a love story when all I was trying to do was not think about “him.” It seemed ludicrous, but oh well…so I did. I bought the ticket, decided to have popcorn for lunch and sat down for a couple of hours.

So this love story…it wasn’t the love story part that spoke to me. It was the relationship between the two women. The older one treated the younger one like a daughter. She was loving and affectionate and gave her small touches and brushed her hair.

And that’s when it hit me, the kids thing is important. I do want to have one of my own, (at least one.) I want that bond, that connection….

On oneh hand, I’m getting myself all worked up over nothing. I still haven’t broached the idea (in the whole one day since I last wrote…lol.) I actually haven’t heard from him and I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that he needed to pull back just a bit, which is okay. I can be scary and a little intense with the whole heart on my sleeve thing. On the other hand, I am learning exactly how great of a catch I am….so if it doesn’t work out, there are others out there.

Deconstruction

So I just spent the weekend with a man…the first time I’ve done something like this in a very long time. I left and now I’m a little melancholy. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t know if it’s because we crossed that line so now I’m confused. Or if it’s because I’m sad that the weekend that was so comfortable and comforting has come to an end. I’m feeling awfully blah….and I feel bad because I left and I was already in my head. Already trying to assimilate the information and I wasn’t my usual chipper self which is not how I wanted to leave. But I was already so distracted…

I do have to admit that it was hard to be there on some level. There was so much around of her…the ex. Things that were small and in corners, but still there. Things that might always be there, even when he moves to his new place. There is so much history, twenty years almost. And it feels as if I’m competing with the past on some level. Not in affection, but for a place. There were pictures and toiletries and left over merchandise from a store. There was furniture, nipple things that women put in their shirts and the pictures. Pictures that documented a history and I just don’t know. I don’t know how you move on from that. How do you let go of a past that shaped who you are? That brought you the most wonderful things that you have? That gave you your children that you adore?

Don’t get me wrong….it was wonderful. I felt loved and cherished. I adored every minute that we spent together. I loved being in his arms and making love with him. Everything felt easy and natural. He is smart and funny and makes me feel special. The entire time we were together it was about us.

And so I think maybe the issue is the VASECTOMY. He is so perfect in every way. But the fact of the matter is that I’m not quite ready to give up my dream of having children. How could I have so much to give, so much love and not have someone of my own to give it to? I haven’t asked because it’s so early, I haven’t asked because part of me is afraid of the answer. I’m not ready to give up on something that is so wonderful yet…but I’m beginning to think that I might not be able to compromise on this one. And if he truly is done having children then I may very well have a difficult decision to make. It’s early, I know. But this is all so easy and so right. It would be like leaving the couch to explore the world and not knowing if I’ll ever have a couch again.

The reality is that I’m almost 39 which is almost 40. I’ve been pregnant maybe three times, definitely two. What if I can’t even carry a child to term? What if I don’t meet someone to do that with me? What if I don’t find someone to make a family with and a history and a home?

Singing

Performing to me is one of the most wonderful things in the world. It is the one time that I truly feel free. I feel like I can do anything. I am soaring with my voice, the audience loves me and I am happy.

But just before I perform the anticipation is agony. I spend weeks, sometimes months rehearsing until I know I have it in the bag. But the night before I go on stage I lose it. I become the consummate diva. I’m unreasonable, moody, grouchy and usually burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

I am consumed with doubts, what if I miss the high note, what if I fall, what if I miss that difficult transition, what if I start too soon, what if I start too late? I go over and over all the highs and lows of the song as well as imagine all the things that can go wrong. The inevitable meltdown occurs during dress rehearsal and my producer has to give me a hug and tell me to go home (usually mid-song, lol) and have a drink… or two…or three. He tells me that I’m going to do beautifully tomorrow and to go and relax and orders me not to think about ANYTHING musical.

And then it’s performance night. I am backstage and there is a knot in my stomach. Butterflies are battling for position and I am nervous. But it’s a good kind of nervous. It’s the nervous that occurs right before something wonderful happens. I close my eyes and go over my selections for the evening and then I hear my name. I step out onto the stage and smile at the audience, hoping that I am showing way more confidence than I feel at the moment. I stand before the mic and look at the accompanist and nod my head. The familiar notes flow out of the piano and I close my eyes. There is a rustle in the audience and I take a deep breath. I feel chills run over my whole body and then I sing the first note. The audience falls quiet and I open my eyes and smile. I am soaring, I am happy and I am right where I am supposed to be.

That's how this new man makes me feel. He makes me feel like I am singing....