Clue Me In

Okay, so after a rough session in therapy, (yes, of course I go to therapy, doesn’t everyone?,) I then heard from DF late in the evening. His plans fell through for the night and instead of inviting me over (as has been our modis operandi as of late,) he made up some excuse. To be honest, I don’t remember what the excuse was, but I know I was a bit miffed. So I sent him a little email and said that my feelings were hurt. Now this may be the epitome of a needy girl, but you know what? I don’t care.

See, a very wise friend told me, (and you know who you are,) that I shouldn’t feel bad about asking for what I need in a relationship. To be totally honest, I was content staying at home tonight. We have spent a lot of time together and some time apart would be good, refreshing. But I was hurt that he didn’t want to spend time with me. So I told him.

And he responded, nicely and then indicated that he needed some time alone. And I responded just as nicely and said that I understood that he was going through a lot right now and that I respected that. I said that I wanted to be his friend as well as his romantic partner and I offered to help him in that spirit.

Now here comes the problem. My immediate reaction is to pull away. I am already in my “screw him” mood. Hell, I might just be rash enough to book a trip to Montreal tomorrow. I have already made up my mind in my head not to contact him and not to push. I intend to back off completely. I will let him be and get on with my life. In essence, I am done for the moment. I know that will change tomorrow or the next day, but for now; caput!

You may ask, how do I know it will change?

Every time I look at this man; this man who is so far from who I imagined I would be with, I am struck with the urge to tell him how much I love him. I substitute the word adore, but it just doesn’t do the trick. We have been dancing around the idea for a week now and I’ll wait until he’s ready. (I promise!)

Why didn’t anyone tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me that this is what it could be like? This infinite peace and comfort combined with sexual chemistry that is out of this world. If someone had just told me, I would have known what I was looking for and I would have stopped wasting time on all the other ones. Why didn’t anyone tell me that when it is right, you don’t worry about your belly or the fact that your legs aren’t perfectly toned? That the combustion factor wipes out any preconceived notions you had about the body you would be with and the body you wished you had? Why didn’t someone clue me in that the fabulous chemistry leads to lazy talks and sharing intimate feelings that suddenly aren’t so scary to share?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still scared. There is still a part of me that says, I blew it by letting him know that I was being needy. But there is another part of me that says; “Oh well.” If he can’t handle that, then he can’t handle me. And I am one hell of a person with plenty of love to give the right man.