Deconstruction

So I just spent the weekend with a man…the first time I’ve done something like this in a very long time. I left and now I’m a little melancholy. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t know if it’s because we crossed that line so now I’m confused. Or if it’s because I’m sad that the weekend that was so comfortable and comforting has come to an end. I’m feeling awfully blah….and I feel bad because I left and I was already in my head. Already trying to assimilate the information and I wasn’t my usual chipper self which is not how I wanted to leave. But I was already so distracted…

I do have to admit that it was hard to be there on some level. There was so much around of her…the ex. Things that were small and in corners, but still there. Things that might always be there, even when he moves to his new place. There is so much history, twenty years almost. And it feels as if I’m competing with the past on some level. Not in affection, but for a place. There were pictures and toiletries and left over merchandise from a store. There was furniture, nipple things that women put in their shirts and the pictures. Pictures that documented a history and I just don’t know. I don’t know how you move on from that. How do you let go of a past that shaped who you are? That brought you the most wonderful things that you have? That gave you your children that you adore?

Don’t get me wrong….it was wonderful. I felt loved and cherished. I adored every minute that we spent together. I loved being in his arms and making love with him. Everything felt easy and natural. He is smart and funny and makes me feel special. The entire time we were together it was about us.

And so I think maybe the issue is the VASECTOMY. He is so perfect in every way. But the fact of the matter is that I’m not quite ready to give up my dream of having children. How could I have so much to give, so much love and not have someone of my own to give it to? I haven’t asked because it’s so early, I haven’t asked because part of me is afraid of the answer. I’m not ready to give up on something that is so wonderful yet…but I’m beginning to think that I might not be able to compromise on this one. And if he truly is done having children then I may very well have a difficult decision to make. It’s early, I know. But this is all so easy and so right. It would be like leaving the couch to explore the world and not knowing if I’ll ever have a couch again.

The reality is that I’m almost 39 which is almost 40. I’ve been pregnant maybe three times, definitely two. What if I can’t even carry a child to term? What if I don’t meet someone to do that with me? What if I don’t find someone to make a family with and a history and a home?