Voices

When I sing I can bring the entire audience to silence. There may be murmurs when I start, but by the end of the first stanza, everyone is listening. And the standing ovations and cheers at the end are phenomenal. I have that kind of voice. I have the voice that doesn’t mix with the choir. And it never has.

So what I’m trying to understand is why have I spent most of my life trying to mix with the choir? There is one choir called “The People Pleaser” and the other one is called “Please Accept Me.” I can do a stint here and there in each one, but I don’t belong in either of them. Because each time I try and sing with them, I change the essence of my voice just to fit in and stop singing the way I was meant to. Why didn’t I recognize earlier that being the soloist fits my personality much better than being part of the choir?

I have spent most of my life trying to prove what I am. I am a mixture of cultures and have always felt one foot in and one foot out in each of them. I have tried to be more Arab and tried to be more Latin, instead of realizing that this is already part of me. I don’t have to try and I certainly don’t have to prove it to anyone. I have spent these past few months asking questions and realized that these things that I wanted so desperately for people to see are already there. People have called me exotic and classy and exceptional: traits that I never knew I exuded. Looking at myself through others eyes has led me to discover that I am far beyond what I wanted others to see.

I now realize that I don’t have to fit in. In order for me to be happy, I just have to be me. So the problem is, with this voice that I have, how do I make it sing again? How do I assimilate all that I have learned this summer so that I can be the one who gets standing ovations in real life and not just on stage.

There is another voice. The one that is so soft that I tend to ignore it and push it aside. This is the one that I need to start to listen to the most. The one that tells me in my gut where I need to go and what I need to do, the one that brings me a sense of peace when I listen to it. If I can start hearing that voice and make it stronger and blend it with the other voice, I know I could be VERY successful. And this is not the success that comes with money, but the success that comes with fulfillment. That is what I want. I want to come home, at the end of the day to loving arms and know that what I did has made a difference for someone. And I want to do it knowing that I did it with my unique voice.